Quietly turning the back door key, stepping outside she is free...

So my most recent song that I can't stop listening to: She's Leaving Home, by the Beatles.

I just realized so many things that I am thankful for.


Wednesday morning at five o'clock as the day begins
Silently closing her bedroom door
Leaving the note that she hoped would say more
She goes downstairs to the kitchen clutching her handkerchief
Quietly turning the backdoor key
Stepping outside she is free.

She (We gave her most of our lives)
is leaving (Sacrificed most of our lives)
home (We gave her everything money could buy)
She's leaving home after living alone
For so many years. Bye, bye

Father snores as his wife gets into her dressing gown
Picks up the letter that's lying there
Standing alone at the top of the stairs
She breaks down and cries to her husband Daddy our baby's gone
Why would she treat us so thoughtlessly
How could she do this to me.

She (We never thought of ourselves)
is leaving (Never a thought for ourselves)
home (We struggled hard all our lives to get by)
She's leaving home after living alone
For so many years. Bye, bye

Friday morning at nine o'clock she is far away
Waiting to keep the appointment she made
Meeting a man from the motor trade.

She (What did we do that was wrong)
is having (We didn't know it was wrong)
fun (Fun is the one thing that money can't buy)
Something inside that was always denied
For so many years. Bye, bye
She's leaving home. Bye, bye


I guess it just made me realize that wow. My parents really have sacrificed most of their lives and done everything they could to make me happy. Literally. They provided me with everything that money could buy. A house, food, heat, furniture, a bed, clothing, etc... and they never once thought of themselves. I hope that I am half the parent my parents have been to me someday.

Today is Veterans Day, and I just want to say my heart is full. I'm emotional because I just wonder what my Grandpa would think if he could see America today. What Keith Bennett would think. That people My age say they would burn the American Flag like it's nothing. Like they don't appreciate the people who have sacrificed their lives and fought so hard for what is Right... They just don't get it.

I feel like we're no longer the Land of the Free, Home of the Brave.
it's the Land of the Free and Home of the Celebrity President now...

just some thoughts...

First off, here are a few highlights in my life right now:
(To shadow the "low lights"),

a) Beat Metal Gear Solid 3 : Snake Eater today!!! SO AMAZING!
Ahhhh... I want to play 1-4 from start to finish now! Anyone down for a MGS marathon??

b) still stoked for Bioshock 2 and Dead Rising 2 to be released... I'm so ready for those freaking video games to come out, you have *NO* idea.

c) going to start seeing my old psychologist soon, and hoping to get counseling / confidence for preparing to move out and go to college FOR REALS, and with eating anxieties. :)

d) still awaiting the appointment for my wisdom teeth removal... i'm only excited because i still have the eensy weensy little hope michael is going to fly out and visit me...


---
So, work hasn't been all too terrible lately. Just kind of crazy with the holidays.
I'm still feeling really lonely lately, but all the people I feel close to and have trust in are far from me. I'm so thankful I have Lyndsey and Cassandra and Andrea, but that's about it, and they are all so busy. We have opposite schedules. But I'm definitely feeling a get together soon.

It's kind of weird I guess. I guess I'm mainly depressed because my one true friend is in Seattle and I'm in the middle of Camas. I have my family but sometimes you need more. I can't tell my family everything I'm feeling. I can't tell my friends everything I'm feeling. I mean, I could, but I hate burdening people like that. I have a journal but I'm always scared to write in it. That fear that someone is going to read it and know what i'm Actually thinking and feeling. And I don't even like looking back and remembering what I was thinking and feeling.

I don't know. I need new friends. New people. A NEW ATMOSPHERE

AHH GET ME OUT OF HERE
and ps- i have decided next time i move out i'm either on my own completely or living with a guy. NOT A BOYFRIEND, but a guy. i think it'd be so much easier. i've always been 'one of the guys', I think it comes from having three brothers that at different times in my life were my best friend. Now I feel like I don't even know them and they don't want to know me. It's sad.

Goodnight

The Good Life

I remember when I was 17 years old, I moved out of my house and went to live with my aunt and uncle in Indiana. Now, this wasn't very easy- at all - And at times, I felt really depressed and alone. There are many songs that I listened to during this time, but there was always one I listened to almost every day to cheer me up, and to this day it STILL makes me happy and pumps me up and makes me WANT to live a "good life". I mean, I listened to this song before I moved there but it was more so significant to me after the fact.

So, here are the lyrics:

When I look in the mirror, I can't believe what I see
Tell me, who's that funky dude, staring back at me?
Broken, beaten down can't even get around
Without an old-man cane, I fall and hit the ground
Shivering in the cold, I'm bitter and alone

Excuse the bitchin, I shouldn't complain
I should have no feeling, 'cause feeling is pain
As everything I need, is denied me
And everything i want, is taken away from me
But who do I got to blame? Nobody but me

…And I don't wanna be an old man anymore
It's been a year or two since I was out on the floor
Shakin' booty, makin' sweet love all the night
It's time I got back to the Good Life
It's time i got back, it's time i got back
And I don't even know how I got off the track
I wanna go back…Yeah!

Screw this crap, I've had it! I ain't no Mr. Cool
I'm a pig, I'm a dog, so 'scuse me if I drool
I ain't gonna hurt nobody, ain't gonna 'cause a scene
I just need to admit that I want sugar in my tea
Hear me? Hear me? I want sugar in my tea!

…And I don't wanna be an old man anymore
It's been a year or two since I was out on the floor
Shakin' booty, makin' sweet love all the night
It's time I got back to the Good Life
It's time i got back, it's time i got back
And I don't even know how I got off the track
I wanna go back…Yeah!

I want to go back, I want to go back
And I don't even know how I got off the track
It's time i got back, it's time i got back
And I don't even know how I got off the track
I want to go back…Yeah!

…And I don't wanna be an old man anymore
It's been a year or two since I was out on the floor
Shakin' booty, makin' sweet love all the night
It's time I got back to the Good Life
It's time i got back, it's time i got back
and I don't even know how I got off the track
I wanna go back…Yeah!


..... I know, I know. The lyrics sound silly, but that's the point. Becase right now, during this whole funk, while I'm facing this bump in the road, I can at least listen to a silly song and feel Happy.

I have to move home, back to Camas, tomorrow and the thought is so overwhelming. My little Honda can only carry so much and the gas from my house to downtown Vancouver and then BACK to my house is so much. It's time consuming as well. And then I have to close the store. I ALSO HAVE TO CLOSE ON HALLOWEEN!

Ugh. I'm so sick of being depressed and overwhelmed and unmotivated all the time. I'm sick of complaining. "And I don't want to be an old man anymore..."

What Not To Wear...?

Question: Why is it that I feel like I'm not taken seriously, because of the clothes I wear?

I watch "What Not To Wear", and while most of the people they "fix" are generally adults and, well, frumpy, I am not quite an adult nor am I frumpy. In fact, I look generously younger than my age (20), and most of the time people think I'm around 17-18 years old.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, I watch that show and kiiiind of apply it to the clothes I wear. I mean, I don't take it seriously and go out and follow the "rules" to a T, I don't obsess about other peoples clothes or anything like that.

The other point i should make is that I am really interested in Fashion. Ever since I was a little girl, I have loved... and I mean LOVED dressing up. I can recall many times that my mom spanked me for getting into her makeup. (Don't worry, I deserved it. She warned me many, many times that she would spank me if I got into her makeup again. I kept testing the limits.) I drew on the brand new white carpet with my mom's "fashionable" bright pink coming-out-of-the-80s-barely-in-the-nineties lipstick. I was 2 or 3 years old. IN MY DEFENSE: I remember it (because I was spanked... Ironically), and I was drawing lines in the carpet trying to draw my family.

I remember really random things from my past. Per contra, I can never remember math or any other simple task I'm asked to do.

The point I'm trying to make is: A lot of the time, I get criticized about how I'm "fashionable". I get teased that I have no brain, just fashion. Just looks. And it drives me crazy. JUST BECAUSE I'M A FAKE BLONDE, AND I LIKE TO DRESS UP AND DO MY MAKEUP AND *SOMETIMES* TREAT MYSELF TO FAKE EYELASHES, DOES NOT MEAN I'M AN IDIOT. I do admit I make quite the fabulous airhead sometimes. ;)

"Attention, HomeGoods shoppers..."

Okay, so the majority of my blog is about how much I hate HomeGoods.

I don't hate my job, I hate the customers. I am always at Customer Service. ALWAYS.
I don't know if it's because I'm really "nice", sweet? Helpful? Happy?
Maybe because sometimes I get credit cards? I don't know. But I'm ALWAYS up there.
And I have to deal with rude, nasty, bitter people all freaking day.

The other night, an old lady threw a PEN at me!!!! Because it wouldn't sign on the receipt!!!!!
She snapped and said "Maybe you should get me a pen that WORKS"
And I just smiled and said, "Oh, Okay Ma'am." And got her a freaking new pen.

And another thing: Do you know how often I find trash in carts???
Empty starbucks cups and yocream bowls. One time a baby diaper.
REALLY????? REALAALLALALALLLYYY??????
And there's always trash on the shelves. It drives me insane.


So now that I've let all of the "bitterness" pour out of me, I'm ready to accept that I again open the store tomorrow, only because I have the next two days off! YAY!

I am getting my wisdom teeth removed soon... hoping my amazing boyfriend Michael can fly up here to take care of meeee for the weekend that I'm unable to moooove.

Crossing my fingers! Cross yours too. <333

Goodnight!

i want so badly to believe that "there is truth, that love is real"

what a wonderful week it has been. michael, steve and i went on a few fun adventures (seattle, the zoo, etc). I dropped them off at the airport this morning and I have to admit I'm a little lonely without two men following me around everywhere. Pooh.

I thought I was going to move in to my apartment today, but I just felt really tired and took a long, beautiful nap. and I still need to pack all my stuff up and get it into my car, but i just don't feel like it right now, at all haha.

the other thing i'm excited about is the possibility of a second job! i have to bring my resume into the place on monday and she may give me a interview right there if it's not too busy. i definitely hope i get this. having two paychecks would be so nice. one for my savings account and one for my checking. hmm...

okay, i'm going to go draw a nice hot bath and get ready. i feel like seeing some friends tonight. i don't feel DEPRESSED that Michael is gone, I haven't really cried or been mopey or anything and I don't have that attitude that everything sucks JUST because my boyfriend is gone, but I just feel a little off. I mean, I am sad but I don't feel like it. It's weird and I don't make sense.

That is my hint to stop writing.
Bye!

we are not the same, i am a martian

Right now I'm sitting on my couch, watching the Simpsons, and getting ready to go on a date... with my Michael! He surprised me yesterday at the airport when I was picking up what I thought was going to just be his friend Steven. I was really shocked, and nervous... so all I did was say "Oh hi..." when I saw him, and then gave him a big hug and a kiss. He thought my reaction was disappointing, but I thought it was a normal reaction from me. ;) I typically don't scream and wave my hands in the air in public. ESPECIALLY at an international airport like PDX...

Oh, and last night I had a series of nightmares all in one. I remember I had a dream that I was working... which is terrible in and of itself. And then the rest of my dreams were a series of men following me, trying to get me to get close enough to them to abduct me, and even one of the creepers were in the backseat of my car while I was DRIVING. There were three of these men. One was a bum. Another was following me in my neighborhood all the way to my house, and when I got home and looked out my window to see if I was safe, there was a whole herd of creepers with mustaches outside.

Also, there was a part (when I was running away from creepers) where I was walking down an alley and a bunch of cats were attacking bunnies and I took a folding chair and tried to frisbee it at one of the cats to get it to stop. Weird much? And there were monkeys which for some reason freaked me out in my dream and I was running away from them. And I got followed by a cop for speeding out of being frightened but somehow lost him. And when I was parked in some parkinglot trying to calm down, my car wouldn't start and I panicked, and that's when I FINALLY woke up. ALL of the events that happened in my dream were things that I'm afraid / terrified of. (Minus monkeys... I'm not afraid of those.)

*My bunny Petrie was eaten by a raccoon years ago. It traumatized me for life.

LUCKILY I had Michael right upstairs sleeping in my bed and was able to crawl my way in there and wake him up and tell him all about it. How relieving that it wasn't a PHONE CALL.

I also got the cheesiest smile on my face last night when we went to go pick up Kelsy because we were just TALKING in my car. Just being together and Not on the phone. <3

I am so happy he is here. What a great and wonderful and amazing surprise :)

So excited for our date tonight! Woo hoo!

And goodbye, little blog.

don't be afraid, you're gonna find your way home

OKAY OKAY OKAY OKAY OKAY! Big news! I mean, BIG NEWS!

Kelsy comes home tomorrow morning around 6. I am driving to the airport to greet her.
She also asked if I would like to share a one bedroom apartment in downtown vancouver, by the river. $350 a month, FULLY furnished, utilities paid for, cable, internet... all taken care of. It's originally around $950. It's her dad's fiance's apartment, but she's moving in with her dad and the lease isn't up for another three months.

My dad doesn't want me to go... but my mom loves the idea. She thinks I need my independence. I couldn't agree more. I have a job, I'm 20 years old, and going stir crazy. Plus Kelsy is my best friend.

I am so excited. I think this is a WONDERFUL opportunity. Neither of us on a lease? Only $350 for all of that? It would be an AWESOME way to learn how to live on my own.

Glee! Glee! Glee!

Oh, and work was SO BORING TODAY. I had such a positive attitude, the biggest smile on my face, I couldn't stop thinking about how excited I was that I was finally moving out on my own, but the time.... oh, goodness the TIME. It was going by SO SLOWLY. And the managers messed up the schedule so I was the only one at customer service and Eric (the assistant manager) had to come up to customer service so I could take my 15 minute break.

But, I got my hair done today. it's preeeeeeetttyyyy short. i think i'll grow to like it. I mean, I like it, I think the color is perfect. But it's short short. And I'm just not used to it yet... but of course, give me a few hours.

Alright, that's all for today. I just got back from tanning and now I'm going to do a load of laundryyyy and then pick up Tasha, and then we're going to hang out with Blake and Josh for Blake's birthday. Probably go to the skatepark and eat Taco Bell like we usually do... :)

Goodnight!

sundays will never change

Good morning! I will have all of you know I cleaned my room, and moved furniture around thanks to my dear sister Annie, and now my bed is next to my windows :) Jojo has discovered this and now likes sitting right in the middle of my bed where the sun is just pouring in.


i'm gonna rest for a few more minutes.. then MAYBE get ready for church. i haven't been in a couple months or something and I actually have a closing shift tonight. I am getting a lot of closing shifts next week... :) Finally!

i'll run away

Okay so it's been a couple days since my last post... I was feeling the need to write something, even if AGAIN I have nothing to write about .... so here goes;


I have had the last three days off. Each day, my body feels a little weaker, my legs feel numb and tired, and my whole body in general just feels exhausted. I can't shake this feeling no matter how many naps I take, AND it doesn't help that whenever I wake up from a nap I'm extremely grumpy and I am also extremely hungry, because for some reason when I wake up all i want to do is eat the nearest thing to me. Which today after my nap, it happened to be Pepperidge Farm Milano Mint cookies. I ate the whole thing. A brand new spankin' package.

As Homer Simpson says, "I can't believe I ate the whole thing" (His senior year yearbook quote.)


Anyways, I went to the dentist a couple days ago after about a year since my last visit and I guess two of my fillings are missing a chunk... of filling? (I don't know what else to call it) around the exact same spots on each side of my mouth. Which explains why it's been such a freaking pain in the butt to eat anything cold / sweet. Doesn't help that I've been craving Oreos and my mom just bought two packages of them for me annnnd my teeth are to retarded to even enjoy them. So I'm waiting to hear back from the dentist about my Dental insurance, and as soon as we find out I'm getting my wisdom teeth pulled the same day I get my fillings fixed. I'm excited about my fillings, just not about having puffy painful cheeks. Could you imagine? Ha!

I also realized I hate the dentist, even though I loved the dentist as a kid. I hate the sound of that sucker thing that gets all the spit and water out of your mouth... I hate the sound of the drill... especially the sounds in the background of other people being worked on... I hate stressing about getting my tongue torn in half by some drill thing... I hate the feeling of my gums being stabbed by some large pokey thing... blaaah no thank you.

Okay, I think I'm done for now. I return to work tomorrow (Oh and I had a $200 paycheck this week THANKS TO HOLIDAY PAY!) after this three day break from all the doctor / dentist appointments I had... kind of looking forward to it, kinda not...

Peace out

keep on smilin', cause when you're smilin' the whole world smiles with you

Interesting day, I suppose.

I woke up late. Struggled. Got to work late, even more struggled. Especially because yesterday my dad was complimenting me on the fact I'm always really good about getting up and being to work on time. It's Huck Luck... or Sesh Luck. Either way, I'm doomed with bad luck from both ends of the family name. Hah !

Anyways, yesterday during my break I went to Quiznos and got myself a delicious Classic Italian sandwich, and when I was sitting outside on my favorite bench (between Starbucks and Quiznos), a little bird came by and was walking by my feet. Of course my sympathetic intuition kicked in and I wanted to feel like a Disney Princess, so I tore off a piece of bread and threw it. There was a guy on a bench across from me, and he kind of gave an awkward smile while he too watched the bird take my little piece of bread and take its sweet time eating it. I texted Michael and said "Birds are cute."

Which brought me to TWO thoughts.

a) I LOVE Birds. I think they are so cute, and the whole Lynyrd Skynyrd song "Free Bird" gets me every time. Also: refrencing "Free as a Bird" by the Beatles (which is also a Beautiful song). Mainly because lately, I feel like I'm not Free. I honestly feel like I'm being held back, not by anything in particular, but I feel like there's so many things I want to do and experience and Try and Be and Have... and I'm just doing the same routine every day. I just want to Fly away, be free, not be tied down to anything. I want to take stupid risks, go on adventures. Learn, experience, create, cry, lose, gain, hurt. It's hard to explain. I'm 20 years old, working for a Corporate Hell, and I feel like it's just repeat repeat repeat. I want new friends, I want to meet new people, I want to move away and be somewhere New and away from everything I REALLY know. I want to be somewhere I want to be. While I'm young, anyway.

So, that's the whole bird thing. I have this bird necklace where it looks like it's flying, and I just love it. Birds symbolize a lot.

Actually, whenever I drive to work and see a bunch of little birds flying in the sky together, I'm pretty sure it's my Grandpa Grizz sayin' HI! and "Look at all the chocolate chips in the sky!"

--Anyways, the second thought...

b) What makes a Disney Princess?

My friend Cassandra (friends for years, also coworkers at Corporate Hell) tells me that I have Disney Princess eyes. Best compiment ever. That's not the point- the point is other than the "big Disney princess eyes", you look at all the traits that the Disney Princesses have. There's something unique about all of them. HOWEVER, Belle is my favorite Disney Princess and always has been.

Why? Because when I was a little little girl, I liked Belle because she liked to read. And I liked that she was smart, she had integrity, she sacrificed herself for her Father, she was a good singer (hehe), and, she learned to Love the Beast despite the fact that, well, he was a Beast. And she taught him and influenced him and softened his heart so he wasn't so bitter to the world. What a wonderful character! I think that's the very reason why I'm so sweet and soft spoken, is because I had a wonderful, wonderful PRINCESS rolemodel.

Oh, and I can't forget the fact that I loved Belle's dress the best. Yellow, such a happy color.

So, when I went back into work I just remembered that despite the fact I get treated like crap, and an awful lot of Beasts and grumpy bitter people come into my store and think Everything wrong with anything is My fault, I can still smile and be kind and just Do my job. Maybe my good attitude can alter theirs?

Doesn't seem to work, but I try. Like today, this lady was complaining about how she waited in line for forever and said "I've been here for over 15 minutes!" and I just smiled at her and in a sarcastic, joking manner I said "Oh believe me, I've been here for Much longer." and she rolled her eyes and said "Oh jeeze."

But I think she realized that yeah, she may have been in line for a little longer than she would've liked, but I had also been there for four hours, dealing with crap all day. And I could still smile and help people and make the most of a crappy situation. At least, I hope she realized that. Because as soon as I said that she stopped complaining and I told her to have a Great day and she just walked off.

--

Okay, there's TWO giant flies on my tv screen right now. When I say Giant, I mean giant, and it's disgusting. It's midnight but a midnight snack sounds good. So,my friends I'm probably heading to Jack in the Box now. Goodnight!

PS- There are now THREE giant flies on my TV.

GROSS GROSS GROSS GROSS GROSS GROSS GROSS.

i can't tell what kind of life i've lived today

wow, busy busy day at work. i have come to hate sundays.

first off, this fat lady comes in my line with TWO CARTS FULL of glass merchandise. we're talking like 18 mini saucers PLUS tea cups, plus a few extra plates and cups and mugs and vases, little stupid candle holders that are all spiraly and complicated, and other little glass statues, and wants to get a discount on a trunk because it "is crooked on the inside" ...? doesn't even say THANK YOU or offer to help wrap the glass items, with a line full of people behind her... BLAH!

not to mention my manager asked me if i had gotten any credit cards today and i told her no, and then she replied with "i'm gonna have to replace you." and i just looked at her like... okay, ignore the fact i'm working my butt off and then say something like that because i'm not getting any CREDIT CARDS???? forget the fact i'm dealing with customers who treat me like CRAP already and forget the fact i'm not getting paid enough and....... okay. i'm going to stop there.

i have a huge headache, i feel really dehydrated, i just want to eat pickles and drink coke, and i really really think hayley needs to come home because i am SICK AND TIRED of not having a buddy to go sit in the sonic drivethru with or have someone to drive around and yell at other drivers... haha. Although I will say my road rage has gotten a lot better since I haven't been driving with her as much.... hahaha.

Anyways, I'm going to go change into my sweats and t shirt, make some dang good food and then go to bed. i work another long shift tomorrow.

oh yay.

i'm so tired, i haven't slept a wink

so here's my first blog entry, i'm completely dry of any inspiration, and to be honest i have no idea what to write about. so i'll just start with how my day went.

i woke up at 7:30 AM, headed to work around 8:30. it was raining. it hasn't rained this hard in a while, and I love love love the rain. However, my little honda (which i named Lil Bandit after Snake's car. From the Simpsons.) likes to hydroplane and I could feel the water spinning from my tire from the ground of my car and it was freaking me out. But I got to work okay. Today wasn't too bad, except for this girl who brought in a box full of wedding gifts with the tags ripped off all of them and expected me to do that while we only had two cashiers available. I cannot do a return unless new tags have replaced the missing / damaged ones. So I had to do return item lookup on several items and in between help more than enough customers. The customer service desk is such a drag but it makes the time go by faster.

anyways, i got off work and went to Borders bookstore for about an hour. I got the new Glenn Beck book, Common Sense, and looked at other things. I wanted to get the 3rd book from the Walking Dead graphic novel series. However, when the guy went to go look in the back to see if they had any in stock, he said that when he looked it up it is no longer being printed. I still have to check Amazon.com because it's probably cheaper on there anyway.

THEN! I stopped at Jack in the Box, and I was SUPER hungry. So I got two tacos, a cheeseburger no onions/tomatos, EXTRA pickles, and a grilled cheese sandwich. if anyone knows me, they know I order a lot of food but I never finish it all... blah blah blah... but today, i got home and ate every single bite. (minus the two bites i gave to annie.) then i took a long jenny nap.

turns out my mom already has the Glenn Beck book. Sooo I went tanning, went BACK to Borders, returned the book, bought Jane Erye, and came home.

My apologies for such a bland first entry, but I always feel so awkward writing in something new. It feels so... impersonal.

Anyways, I'm going to bed now. I'm so glad I have my ambien prescription back! I will be sleeping like a baby. <3