it's the holiday season...

So I haven't posted in a while, and I decided I would try to think up something to write. I used to be such a writer, but as I've grown older it's something that has sadly disappeared from my life.

Christmas is nearing up!! And what a wonderful time of the year it is. So many happy memories that I cherish. It's funny, when I was a kid I used to sneak Christmas cd's into a room away from everyone and sit there and listen to them. If I heard any one approaching, I'd turn it off because I'd get embarrassed if they knew I was already writing letters to Santa and listening to Christmas music in July. I loved making cookies and gingerbread houses and cutting snowflakes and putting ornaments on the tree and hanging stockings, remembering the little moments in my life with each decoration I pulled out. Going through Holiday catalogs and circling the toys I wanted, cutting out pictures and making collages of all the toys I wanted Santa to bring me. Being terrified of getting a "lump of Cola" in my stocking.

Around Thanksgiving is when I'd really start to be good. I remember one time my brother Jonathon was teasing me so bad that I threatened him if he didn't stop Santa wasn't going to bring him anything. He retorted with, "Santa isn't even REAL." and I dropped to the floor dramatically trying to catch my breath. He hurried over to me and apologized and took back what he said. My reaction actually got to him. Ha ha...

Yeah, yeah. I realize I sound super cheesy, but this holiday brings back good feelings. It's sad that now that I'm older, the whole spirit of Christmas isn't what it used to be. I don't particularly enjoy Christmas music as I used to, I don't make a point to make gingerbread houses, put off decorating the Christmas tree, and especially feel any hurry to go out and sing Christmas carols. Getting presents isn't as fun when you don't play with action figures or barbies, plus Power Wheels are much cheaper than actual cars. Unfortunately, I out grew those. Ah, me and my white convertible power wheels had some great adventures driving down Edenberry Dr. And my parents can't really afford Christmas presents anymore, and it's something we've all gotten used to the last few years.

However, today on my way home from driving Shaun and his brother to work, I was stuck in traffic with a heavy rainstorm so I decided to listen to Christmas music on the radio. It brought a smile to my face and actually made traffic (which lasted over an hour and a half) bearable.

Okay- I'm done rambling. Maybe when I'm a mother with a little family of my own, the joy of Christmas will come back. It'll only last until they grow up and, like me, lose interest. So I'm gonna make a point to make the most of it and give them the best Christmas's like my mother and father did for me.

Happy Holidays!
xoxo, jenny

good morning, starshine. the earth says hello

I know, I know. My subject title is so CLICHE. I remember when EVERYONE had that as their Myspace headline. Whatever Happened to myspace? I mean... Facebook is better but they keep UPDATING EVERYTHING and it's getting so confusing. I don't like it.

So, I don't know. Today at work I had the same anxiety that I've had. The same chest pains, and I couldn't breathe, and every minute that went by I anticipated the time that I could clock out and feel the refreshing wave of being FREE.

but I went back to work tonight and bought Tasha's mom a present. I'm in so much gratitude that they've let me stay with them during this hard time. I'm not a very vocal person about how I'm feeling. Usually when I'm feeling really sad, I act really hyper. Try to direct the attention to the opposite of how I'm feeling.

I HATE THE BUNHEADS!

Okay Goodbye.

you never did like this town, i talk outloud like your still around

I haven't written in here in a GRIP! It's so weird to read back about my terrible customers, only because I had just been talking with "Tone" (Tony) about how I feel like the customers have gotten ruder. Nahh, they're still the same.

Work was good today :) I got a lot done. I had to get a huge rug down and roll it up and tape the ends and middle up and carry it up to the front. Usually I have someone like Lyndsey there to help me but due to hours being cut and being understaffed, i had to do it by myself. Luckily the customer jumped in and gave me a hand when she saw i could barely lift it without my spine doing the tetris thing and just disappearing into nothingness. Haha.

I got a small tank done, but had fun with it so it took longer. I made a little display of fish plates and bowls and cups. I thought it was cute. But I have really stepped up and tried really hard to constantly stay productive.

And you know what? Here's some enlightenment. I have decided that I am freaking hilarious. And that there is no one who is funnier than I am. And my jokes are better than everyone elses jokes.

Well Nathan just woke up, I'm at the Scymanski house as usual. Last night during Scymanski Family Dinner, tashas dad gave me a big hug and said "Did I ever tell you how much I like you? I like you" and then asked if i was creeped out. I love this faamirrry. But anyways, I'm gonna go. I have some company now.

I'll try to update this thing more often! Because I'm hilarious.

Quietly turning the back door key, stepping outside she is free...

So my most recent song that I can't stop listening to: She's Leaving Home, by the Beatles.

I just realized so many things that I am thankful for.


Wednesday morning at five o'clock as the day begins
Silently closing her bedroom door
Leaving the note that she hoped would say more
She goes downstairs to the kitchen clutching her handkerchief
Quietly turning the backdoor key
Stepping outside she is free.

She (We gave her most of our lives)
is leaving (Sacrificed most of our lives)
home (We gave her everything money could buy)
She's leaving home after living alone
For so many years. Bye, bye

Father snores as his wife gets into her dressing gown
Picks up the letter that's lying there
Standing alone at the top of the stairs
She breaks down and cries to her husband Daddy our baby's gone
Why would she treat us so thoughtlessly
How could she do this to me.

She (We never thought of ourselves)
is leaving (Never a thought for ourselves)
home (We struggled hard all our lives to get by)
She's leaving home after living alone
For so many years. Bye, bye

Friday morning at nine o'clock she is far away
Waiting to keep the appointment she made
Meeting a man from the motor trade.

She (What did we do that was wrong)
is having (We didn't know it was wrong)
fun (Fun is the one thing that money can't buy)
Something inside that was always denied
For so many years. Bye, bye
She's leaving home. Bye, bye


I guess it just made me realize that wow. My parents really have sacrificed most of their lives and done everything they could to make me happy. Literally. They provided me with everything that money could buy. A house, food, heat, furniture, a bed, clothing, etc... and they never once thought of themselves. I hope that I am half the parent my parents have been to me someday.

Today is Veterans Day, and I just want to say my heart is full. I'm emotional because I just wonder what my Grandpa would think if he could see America today. What Keith Bennett would think. That people My age say they would burn the American Flag like it's nothing. Like they don't appreciate the people who have sacrificed their lives and fought so hard for what is Right... They just don't get it.

I feel like we're no longer the Land of the Free, Home of the Brave.
it's the Land of the Free and Home of the Celebrity President now...

just some thoughts...

First off, here are a few highlights in my life right now:
(To shadow the "low lights"),

a) Beat Metal Gear Solid 3 : Snake Eater today!!! SO AMAZING!
Ahhhh... I want to play 1-4 from start to finish now! Anyone down for a MGS marathon??

b) still stoked for Bioshock 2 and Dead Rising 2 to be released... I'm so ready for those freaking video games to come out, you have *NO* idea.

c) going to start seeing my old psychologist soon, and hoping to get counseling / confidence for preparing to move out and go to college FOR REALS, and with eating anxieties. :)

d) still awaiting the appointment for my wisdom teeth removal... i'm only excited because i still have the eensy weensy little hope michael is going to fly out and visit me...


---
So, work hasn't been all too terrible lately. Just kind of crazy with the holidays.
I'm still feeling really lonely lately, but all the people I feel close to and have trust in are far from me. I'm so thankful I have Lyndsey and Cassandra and Andrea, but that's about it, and they are all so busy. We have opposite schedules. But I'm definitely feeling a get together soon.

It's kind of weird I guess. I guess I'm mainly depressed because my one true friend is in Seattle and I'm in the middle of Camas. I have my family but sometimes you need more. I can't tell my family everything I'm feeling. I can't tell my friends everything I'm feeling. I mean, I could, but I hate burdening people like that. I have a journal but I'm always scared to write in it. That fear that someone is going to read it and know what i'm Actually thinking and feeling. And I don't even like looking back and remembering what I was thinking and feeling.

I don't know. I need new friends. New people. A NEW ATMOSPHERE

AHH GET ME OUT OF HERE
and ps- i have decided next time i move out i'm either on my own completely or living with a guy. NOT A BOYFRIEND, but a guy. i think it'd be so much easier. i've always been 'one of the guys', I think it comes from having three brothers that at different times in my life were my best friend. Now I feel like I don't even know them and they don't want to know me. It's sad.

Goodnight

The Good Life

I remember when I was 17 years old, I moved out of my house and went to live with my aunt and uncle in Indiana. Now, this wasn't very easy- at all - And at times, I felt really depressed and alone. There are many songs that I listened to during this time, but there was always one I listened to almost every day to cheer me up, and to this day it STILL makes me happy and pumps me up and makes me WANT to live a "good life". I mean, I listened to this song before I moved there but it was more so significant to me after the fact.

So, here are the lyrics:

When I look in the mirror, I can't believe what I see
Tell me, who's that funky dude, staring back at me?
Broken, beaten down can't even get around
Without an old-man cane, I fall and hit the ground
Shivering in the cold, I'm bitter and alone

Excuse the bitchin, I shouldn't complain
I should have no feeling, 'cause feeling is pain
As everything I need, is denied me
And everything i want, is taken away from me
But who do I got to blame? Nobody but me

…And I don't wanna be an old man anymore
It's been a year or two since I was out on the floor
Shakin' booty, makin' sweet love all the night
It's time I got back to the Good Life
It's time i got back, it's time i got back
And I don't even know how I got off the track
I wanna go back…Yeah!

Screw this crap, I've had it! I ain't no Mr. Cool
I'm a pig, I'm a dog, so 'scuse me if I drool
I ain't gonna hurt nobody, ain't gonna 'cause a scene
I just need to admit that I want sugar in my tea
Hear me? Hear me? I want sugar in my tea!

…And I don't wanna be an old man anymore
It's been a year or two since I was out on the floor
Shakin' booty, makin' sweet love all the night
It's time I got back to the Good Life
It's time i got back, it's time i got back
And I don't even know how I got off the track
I wanna go back…Yeah!

I want to go back, I want to go back
And I don't even know how I got off the track
It's time i got back, it's time i got back
And I don't even know how I got off the track
I want to go back…Yeah!

…And I don't wanna be an old man anymore
It's been a year or two since I was out on the floor
Shakin' booty, makin' sweet love all the night
It's time I got back to the Good Life
It's time i got back, it's time i got back
and I don't even know how I got off the track
I wanna go back…Yeah!


..... I know, I know. The lyrics sound silly, but that's the point. Becase right now, during this whole funk, while I'm facing this bump in the road, I can at least listen to a silly song and feel Happy.

I have to move home, back to Camas, tomorrow and the thought is so overwhelming. My little Honda can only carry so much and the gas from my house to downtown Vancouver and then BACK to my house is so much. It's time consuming as well. And then I have to close the store. I ALSO HAVE TO CLOSE ON HALLOWEEN!

Ugh. I'm so sick of being depressed and overwhelmed and unmotivated all the time. I'm sick of complaining. "And I don't want to be an old man anymore..."

What Not To Wear...?

Question: Why is it that I feel like I'm not taken seriously, because of the clothes I wear?

I watch "What Not To Wear", and while most of the people they "fix" are generally adults and, well, frumpy, I am not quite an adult nor am I frumpy. In fact, I look generously younger than my age (20), and most of the time people think I'm around 17-18 years old.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, I watch that show and kiiiind of apply it to the clothes I wear. I mean, I don't take it seriously and go out and follow the "rules" to a T, I don't obsess about other peoples clothes or anything like that.

The other point i should make is that I am really interested in Fashion. Ever since I was a little girl, I have loved... and I mean LOVED dressing up. I can recall many times that my mom spanked me for getting into her makeup. (Don't worry, I deserved it. She warned me many, many times that she would spank me if I got into her makeup again. I kept testing the limits.) I drew on the brand new white carpet with my mom's "fashionable" bright pink coming-out-of-the-80s-barely-in-the-nineties lipstick. I was 2 or 3 years old. IN MY DEFENSE: I remember it (because I was spanked... Ironically), and I was drawing lines in the carpet trying to draw my family.

I remember really random things from my past. Per contra, I can never remember math or any other simple task I'm asked to do.

The point I'm trying to make is: A lot of the time, I get criticized about how I'm "fashionable". I get teased that I have no brain, just fashion. Just looks. And it drives me crazy. JUST BECAUSE I'M A FAKE BLONDE, AND I LIKE TO DRESS UP AND DO MY MAKEUP AND *SOMETIMES* TREAT MYSELF TO FAKE EYELASHES, DOES NOT MEAN I'M AN IDIOT. I do admit I make quite the fabulous airhead sometimes. ;)